Thomas Mitchell
After almost fifty years of declining milk consumption in the United States, American cows are producing record-high amounts of milk, according to the USDA.
You can thank the Bovine Baron for some of that.
The avid milk drinker prefers to go by his alter ego when discussing his favorite beverage. According to the Baron, whose real name is Liam, he usually drinks a half-gallon per day.
His friends were so enamored with his dairy drinking that they created twenty flyers around town on his behalf, challenging the public to a chug-off and including his phone number. The flyers were originally an April Fool’s joke, but as more people reached out, the Baron felt compelled to answer.
“Yeah, I’m known for drinking milk. That’s kinda my thing,” he says. “So I decided to rise to the challenge.”
The Baron is open to individual challengers, but around thirty people (including yours truly) have already texted him with photos of themselves chugging milk, asking for a bout. To save time and create a larger cow-loving community, he’s holding a public chug-off on Sunday, April 19, at 2:30 p.m. at Observatory Park in south Denver.
“Whoever can drink the most milk in five minutes wins a trophy,” he says.
Although he’s no fan of almond milk, oat milk, soy milk or other dairy alternatives — he lives by the motto “go whole, or go home” — plant-based and lactose-free milk drinkers are allowed to participate. After all, this is mostly about fun.
“People have been coming up with their own dairy-themed names when they reach out, which was not part of the flyer,” the Baron says. “I’ve met a lot of people. It’s really been a blast.”
Someone who goes by “the Pasteurizer” is expected to be at Observatory Park on Sunday, and so is “the Lactose Legend.” One woman who went by “the Dredd Pirate Diary” and eight of her friends showed up to his apartment one night for an impromptu chug-off. Although the Baron had just returned from dinner, he accepted — and vomited while drinking his fifth glass.
“They were all dressed as pirates. I put on my game face and drink four glasses, and was on my fifth when it happened,” he says. But like any strong-willed competitor, the Bovine Baron has learned from his loss.
“Now I have plan to win this thing, and I will,” he warns. “Mark my words.”
When eight woman dressed as pirates suddenly appear at your doorstep, it’s safe to say you’ve already won.
Chug on, player. Chug on.
